Shades of Blue Read online

  Copyright © 2020 Nadia Dardón

  All rights reserved, including the right to reproduce this book or portions thereof in any form whatsoever.

  ISBN: 9798621836498

  Imprint: Independently published

  Front cover image by Nadia Dardón

  Book design by Nadia Dardón

  First printing edition 2020

  For the thirteen-year-old girl that had a folder with various pages filled with stories.

  You made it!

  “Be strong, saith my heart; I am a soldier;

  I have seen worse sights than this.”

  –Homer

  Blue Gray

  Chapter One

  June 10th, 2018

  The first time she saw Jasper Howell, she thought she was about to die.

  Her toes curled inside her shoes and her hands gathered sweat. She was holding tightly to the railing of the bridge and looking at the water that flowed beneath. The place was empty save for her.

  Cordelia swallowed once, her eyes moving away from the water and towards the empty street. She had to do it now if she was going to do it at all, she thought. With one deep breath, Cordelia returned her attention to the railing in front of her and pulled herself up. She moved her feet over the railing and sat down on the edge, her hands tightened on the cold metal, and her feet dangled above the water.

  She was unsure of when she had decided on this place, why she thought it was appropriate. She knew it had something to do with the river below. Maybe it was the force with which it moved, maybe it was that the river moved away from the city, maybe it was a mix of reasons. Whatever they were, Cordelia knew it had to be that river and that bridge. There was nowhere else where she could do it.

  She had seen plenty of movies and TV shows with characters facing the same decision she was facing right now. Somehow, the characters were always shown as hysterical and crying or being afraid. Which is why the cold calmness inside of her chilled her to the bone. Her cheeks were dry as were her eyes, no tears to be seen. The only physical display her body showed was the sweat on her hands, though it could be attributed to how hard she was holding onto the railing of the bridge. She breathed out, looking up towards the dark sky above her. It was a new moon that night, so the sky was darker and the stars could be seen clearer than any other night. It was late, the sun was hours away from raising again. Everyone was fast asleep at her house, nobody noticed when she sneaked out. They wouldn't know what had happened to her until they found the note she had hidden between the pages of her sketchbook. They probably would never find it, they would never know.

  "You shouldn't be sitting so close to the edge."

  Cordelia looked back, startled at the voice behind her. The sudden movement unbalanced her, but she managed to hold on without falling off into the river. The sudden motion shook her to the core. Her hands started to cramp as she tightened her hold even more on the railing, her whole body tense. At the angle she was sitting, she could barely see who was standing behind her.

  "I'm fine here," Cordelia responded, willing her voice not to shake.

  "Do you need help?" The person asked. Cordelia knew it was a man, though he didn’t sound too old.

  "No, thank you," She replied. Maybe if she convinced him nothing was happening he would leave.

  The man was quiet for a moment and Cordelia almost believed he had walked out. Only, she had not heard his retreating steps or felt movement behind her. Cordelia sighed, knowing then that the man would not leave. Either because he suspected what was going on and wanted to do something, or because he was unsure of what was going on and was debating with himself if leaving was the right move. With one final glance at the water beneath her, Cordelia drew her legs over the railing of the bridge and climbed off the edge into solid ground. She dusted off her jeans, looking up to the man that had interrupted her. He was barely older than her. His dark hair was messy on top of his head, and his glasses were crooked over the bridge of his nose.

  "Can I help you with something?" Cordelia asked, shifting her feet and crossing her arms across her chest.

  "I'm looking for a drugstore," The man responded quickly.

  "There's one about two blocks from here," Cordelia frowned. “But it is probably closed by now.”

  "My name's Jasper Howell," He said suddenly.

  "Alright then," Cordelia shrugged.

  "What's your name?"

  Cordelia stared at Jasper for a moment, trying to figure him out. It all seemed too surreal for her after what had almost happened before.

  "I'm not giving you my name," Cordelia scoffed at last.

  "Alright...you don't have to," Jasper replied. "Do you want some company walking back to your house?"

  "Are you some kind of creep?" Cordelia asked in disbelief. "Like seriously...what the hell."

  "I'm just being polite," Jasper frowned "I was taking a walk, looking for a drugstore. Then I saw you sitting by the bridge, and you were upset...I thought maybe I could help."

  Cordelia stared at him some more, and then her body deflated from the breath she had been holding. The guy seemed sincere enough. For some reason he had found her and then the chance was gone. Might as well go along with it.

  "Yeah, alright,"

  She started walking away without waiting to see if Jasper would follow her. He did, of course, and soon enough they were walking side by side without really talking to each other. Cordelia took the path she had taken when she got there. Jasper walked on her right, his hands in his pockets and looking up at the sky every once in a while. Cordelia glanced at him once before turning her attention to the front.

  "You're weird," Cordelia stated, but he just hummed in response. "like seriously...do you always go out at night trying to pick up girls?"

  "I am not picking up on you!" Jasper exclaimed.

  "You're still weird," Cordelia shrugged.

  "Maybe," Jasper nodded. “but I just saved your life."

  "What makes you think my life needed saving?" Cordelia wondered, looking up to him and finding him already staring at her.

  "What makes you think it didn't?"

  Cordelia decided not to respond. Instead, they kept walking. The streets were empty, as they often were at this time of night in this part of the city. It was sheer luck that Jasper had found her. Or maybe it was something much stronger than luck. Whatever it was, Jasper had stopped her from jumping off that bridge.

  They stopped just outside of Cordelia's house. All the lights were turned off, just as they had been when she left. Her parents were still sleeping, oblivious of what had happened.

  "What were you doing out so late at night?" Cordelia asked once more.

  "I was looking for a drugstore,"

  "Right," Cordelia rolled her eyes "Well...there’s a drugstore just around the corner."

  "Thank you," Jasper nodded at her. "I should get going...are you going to be alright?"

  "I believe I will," Cordelia nodded.

  Jasper nodded once and started to walk away. Cordelia breathed out and then started climbing the few stairs that lead to her front door. She turned once and found Jasper hesitating in his steps. She crossed her arms once more, raising an eyebrow at him.

  "If I say that you could talk to me, you probably won't believe me," Jasper said, adjusting the glasses over his eyes "But...you should talk to somebody."

  "You're right. I don't believe you," Cordelia scoffed. "Aside from the fact that you’re a complete stranger, talking doesn't help. Nobody listens, they all just hear what they want to hear."

  "Make them listen then," Jasper shrugged as if it was that simple.

  Jasper waved goodbye and walked away, leaving her standing by her door. She shook her head, opening her door and sneaking inside quietly. Wh
en she was lying on her bed again she replayed everything that had happened that night. It all seemed too surreal. She thought for a moment she had been sleeping, but the memories were too fresh for it to be a dream.

  Azure

  Chapter Two

  One year later…

  The second time she saw Jasper Howell, it was a year later. This time she also felt as if she was going to die. Though, this time, it was not in the literal sense of the word.

  It had been a Bad Day. But then again, when was it not a Bad Day with Cordelia? It had been a chaotic day and Cordelia's chest ached just thinking about it. She had woken up in a bad mood, or so her mother liked to tell her. It was never a bad mood, but no one seemed to understand. She wasn't mad or grumpy...she was just empty. Not that it changed anything. She had to get up, move around, and get to work. Even when her limbs felt heavy with every move she made. She still forced herself to get up and start her day.

  She had a job at a coffee shop called The Coffeehouse. When she first applied to the job, she planned on just working for the summer. It was something that would occupy her days and give her some cash. Now, though, she enjoyed working there, even if there were some days where she would rather stay home.

  That day she got to her shift just in time and started working. The day passed in a blur, and yet it felt like an eternity. It was a feeling Cordelia was used to, but still felt new whenever it came to her. Empty. unmoving...and then everything fast forward. It was as if the ground below Cordelia's feet grumbled and it made her lose her balance. Everything came into focus at once, and then it all went blurry. All sounds came from far away, but then they were too loud for her ears.

  Anxiety attack.

  That's what happened. Or at least, that's how Cordelia explained it. One moment she was serving coffee and the next her hands had turned numb and her eyes got blurry. She was able to calm down enough to not make it noticeable for everyone around her. But the feeling lingered in her chest for the rest of the day. She was glad when her shift ended. She had planned on going back home to rest, but somehow her feet took her elsewhere. She wandered around town for some time before she reached a bookshop.

  Cordelia had seen it from the outside a couple of times but had never walked inside. She was not much of a reader, but she did enjoy a good book here and there. She could see through the windows how cozy it looked, so she decided to go inside. The yellow lights warmed her instantly and the pain in her chest started to disappear. It looked empty when she walked in there, the little bell by the door ringing as she walked in.

  "Hello?" She called out, trying to see if there was anyone at the bookshop.

  Then she saw him and for a moment Cordelia thought she would have another panic attack.

  Now that she thought about it, maybe it was an overreaction...or maybe it wasn't. Jasper looked exactly like she remembered him. She was good at remembering faces, even if it had been a whole year since she last saw him.

  But this was Jasper...the guy that had stopped her from jumping off a bridge. A stranger, and yet he had saved her life. It had taken a while, but Cordelia finally started referring to that moment as the 'saving' of her life. She had accepted she needed saving and had moved from there.

  "Yeah?" Jasper called back, approaching her. "Sorry, I was in the back."

  Cordelia stared at him for a moment. She didn't know what she was looking for. Maybe some recognition from his part, but nothing came.

  "Can I help you with something?"

  She startled at that, realizing she had spaced out. She flushed red and looked away from Jasper. Did she need help? Maybe...no...yes. She thought there were many things she needed help with, but Jasper couldn't do anything about that. Especially since he seemed to have forgotten about her.

  "S-Sorry," Cordelia responded, cringing inwardly at how shaky she sounded. "Do you work here?"

  "That I do," Jasper nodded and then walked behind the counter. "What can I do for you?"

  "Oh....Uh..." Cordelia stuttered, tightening her hold on the satchel she had across her chest. She then blurted the first thing that came into her mind. "I was looking for a book."

  "Well, you certainly have come to the right place," Jasper grinned and Cordelia felt embarrassment building up inside of her.

  "Right...obviously," Cordelia laughed nervously. "I'm not looking for anything in specific...if you could maybe point me towards the art books?"

  "Sure. They're right this way,"

  Cordelia followed after him and thanked him when he pointed to the bookshelf near the front window. He smiled at her and then walked off. Cordelia saw him sit by the counter, taking a book out and started reading. She sighed and looked around her. There were some tables right in front of the bookshelves. She took off her satchel and dropped it on one of the chairs before turning towards the bookshelf and started looking through the titles.

  She wasn't looking for any books. But she still looked through the pages of a few of them. Her eyes traveled over the words, not paying attention to what they said. However, she found herself relaxing little by little. Her chest had loosened up and she no longer felt the soft pins and needles on her hands.

  After a moment, she returned to the table where she had dropped her satchel. Taking a seat, she fiddled a bit with the strap of her bag. She didn't want to go home, not yet at least. Cordelia needed some time to get her mind at rest before going back home, so she took out her sketchbook and started to draw. She did this often: drawing, sketching, painting...it helped to distract her. It helped to ground her and to place her feet on the ground.

  Most of the time, when Cordelia felt too anxious, she felt as if she was drifting. Drifting up and away from the ground to someplace no one could see or understand. Drifting off towards a place she was afraid no one would find her and she would have to stay there forever. So she drew, or painted, or doodled something. She didn't always have her sketchbook with her, but she always found loose pieces of paper or napkins where she could draw. And she found herself back inside her body, calmed down and with enough air in her lungs to keep breathing.

  She barely registered someone walking inside the shop and the chatter that came from the main counter. She was too focused on her work. She didn't know how long she was there for, though it was probably not too long. She only stopped at the sight of movement from the corner of her eye. She looked up just in time to see Jasper walk by and reach towards the front door. Cordelia wanted to call out but stopped herself. Really, what was she to say? That she had decided she needed saving after all? That was the lamest thing anyone could do. At least, that's how Cordelia saw it. Jasper Howell probably had better things to do with his life than remember what had happened one night a year ago.

  That kind of thoughts invaded her mind. After a day like the one Cordelia had, she was always left feeling a bit down. She was used to it, though other people never really understood what was wrong with her.

  Maybe that was the problem. No one knew what was wrong with her. Her family was not aware of her panic attacks, or that sometimes she felt too numb to do anything. She didn't have any friends, and the few people she talked to didn't understand her. They tried to be kind to her, get her to talk about what was going on, but she was not able to describe what was happening to her. And that was the problem, Cordelia thought. If she was not able to understand what was going on with her life, how did she expect others to understand it? So she stopped trying to get someone to understand, stopped expecting people to know how to deal with her.

  Instead, she dedicated all of her energy into getting past every day. She went to work, she helped at home, she sketched, she waited until the day was over and then repeated it all over again. Even though Jasper had saved her a year ago, she had long ago decided there would be no one to save her again. Jasper was a stranger who had been in the right place at the right time. Cordelia knew the chances of that happening again were minimal. So if she wanted something to change in her life, she needed to do it herself.

 
She had started with small things. She started to identify the things that triggered her, she started to distance herself from people she didn't feel comfortable with, she started to do stuff that made her feel better. Little by little, she wanted to reconstruct who she was until she could be alright with herself again. Even though some days were harder than others, she kept at it in the hopes that one day the Bad Days would be nonexistent.

  Denim

  Chapter Three

  Dinners with her family were not a big affair. Usually, her mother or father would cook something, they would have some small talk as they ate, then Cordelia would wash the dishes and her mother would dry them. It was a simple routine that they had grown used to and there was nothing too special about it.

  "Mom?" Cordelia asked as she washed a glass.

  "Yes, dear?" Clara Green responded, putting away some silverware.

  "How did you and Dad choose my name?"

  "What do you mean?" Mrs. Green frowned at her daughter.

  "I mean...When I was born, or before that, how did you come to choose 'Cordelia' as my name?"

  "I'm not sure," Her mother laughed. "We heard it somewhere and we liked it, I guess."

  "Isn't there more to it?" Cordelia frowned. "You just heard it?"

  "Well...we later found out it's a famous name because of Shakespeare," Clara Green said, taking the glass her daughter had just placed away to dry. "Why do you look so upset?"

  "I just thought there was more to it," She shrugged "I mean...something that made it special how I was named."

  "It is special because it is your name," Mrs. Green pointed out.

  "It's a mouthful," Cordelia frowned. "I don't even have a middle name to use instead!"

  "Seriously dear," Mrs. Green sighed. "it is just a name. There's nothing wrong with your name."

  "I want another one,"

  "It's not something you can buy," Mrs. Green scoffed. "How else would you be called?"